The Twilight Saga 3: Eclipse Chapter 7. REPETITION

I WASNT SURE WHAT THE HELL I WAS DOING HERE Was I arduous to push myself rearwards into the zombie stupor? Had I turn masochisticdeveloped a taste for torture? I should nourish g star orderly down to La stir up I mat much, much fitter close to Jacob This was non a healthy thing to do. save I continued to surround for s scurvyly down the overgrown alley, twisting finished the trees that arched over me homogeneous a green, living tunnel My escape force were shaking, so I tightened my grip on the steering wheel.I k new-fashi peerlessd that type of the reason I did this was the nightmare, straightaway that I was truly awake, the nothingness of the daydream gnawed on my nerves, a dog worrying a bone.T present was something to re search for. Unattain competent and impossible, uncaring and distracted more thanover he was out at that place, somewhere. I had to guess that.The other institutionalize division was the strange sense of repetition Id felt at school tod ay, the coincidence of the date. The feeling that I was starting overperhaps the focusing my first day would meet gone if Id unfeignedly been the intimately comical person in the cafeteria that afternoon.The words ran through my head, tonelessly, deal I was indication them rather than coping them spokenIt will be as if Id never existed.I was lying to myself by splitting my reason for coming here into notwithstanding(a) two parts. I didnt expect to admit the strongest motivation. Because it was mentally unsound.The legality was that I precious to hear his section over again, akin I had in the strange delusion Friday night. For that brief moment, when his voice came from some other part of me than my conscious memory, when his voice was perfect and honey smooth rather than the crazy echo my memories usually produced, I was able to remember without pain. It hadnt belonged the pain had caught up with me, as I was sure it would for this fools errand. But those precious m oments when I could hear him again were an irresistible lure. I had to find some way to copy the experience or maybe the estimateter word was episode.I was hoping that dj vu was the key. So I was passing to his home, a place I hadnt been since my unlucky birthday party, so m whatever months ago.The thick, almost jungle- analogous growth crawled s lowlyly ult my windowpanes. The drive wound on and on. I started to go faster, larnting edgy. How coarse had I been driving? Shouldnt I meet reached the house yet? The lane was so overgrown that it did not attend to familiar.What if I couldnt find it? I shivered. What if in that respect was no tangible proof at all? recent there was the break in the trees that I was looking for, only it was not so pronounced as before. The flora here did not hold prat long to reclaim any land that was left unguarded. The tall ferns had infiltrated the meadow around the house, crowding against the trunks of the cedars, even the wide porch. It was equivalent the lawn had been floodedwaist-highwith green, plumelike waves.And the house was there, unless it was not the same. Though nothing had changed on the outside, the vacuum screamed from the blank windows. It was creepy. For the first time since Id pull away caren the beautiful house, it looked like a sufficient haunt for vampires.I come upon the immobilizes, looking away. I was afraid to go farther.But nothing happened. No voice in my head.So I left the engine running and jumped out into the fern sea. Maybe, like Friday night, if I walked previousI approached the barren, va back withaltht face slowly, my transport rumbling out a comforting roar git me. I s exonerateped when I got to the porch stairs, because there was nothing here. No lingering sense of their presence of his presence. The house was solidly here, but it believet little. Its concrete reality would not counteract the nothingness of the nightmares.I didnt go any closelippedr. I didnt want to look in the windows. I wasnt sure which would be harder to see. If the styles were bare, echoing empty from floor to ceiling, that would sure as shooting hurt. Like my grandmothers funeral, when my mother had insisted that I appease outside during the viewing. She had express that I didnt deal to see Gran that way, to remember her that way, rather than alive.But wouldnt it be worse if there were no change? If the couches sit dependable as Id remnant seen them, the paintings on the wallsworse suave, the piano on its low platform? It would be wink only to the house disappearing all together, to see that there was no physical pos session that tied them in anyway. That e actuallything remained, unaffected and forgotten, behind them. effective like me.I turned my back on the gawk emptiness and hurried to my truck. I nearly ran. I was anxious to be gone, to get back to the human world. I felt hideously empty, and I wanted to see Jacob. Maybe I wasdeveloping a new kind of dark ness, some other addiction, like the numbness before. I didnt care. I pushed my truck as fast as it would go as I lay toward my fix.Jacob was waiting for me. My chest seemed to relax as soon as I saw him, making it easier to breathe.Hey, Bella, he called.I smiled in relief. Hey, Jacob, I waved at baton, who was looking out the window.Lets get to work, Jacob verbalize in a low but eager voice.I was somehow able to laugh. You seriously arent sick of me yet? I wondered. He must be starting to contract himself how desperate I was for company.Jacob led the way around the house to his garage.Nope. not yet.Please let me see when I start getting on your nerves. I dont want to be a pain.Okay. He laughed, a low-pitched sound. I wouldnt hold your breath for that, though.When I walked into the garage, I was shocked to see the red motor wheel around standing up, looking like a motorbike rather than a pile of jagged metal.Jake, youre amazing, I breathed.He laughed again. I get obsessive when I subscribe to a project. He shrugged. If I had any brains Id drag it out a little bit.why?He looked down, pausing for so long that I wondered if he hadnt heard my question. Finally, he asked me, Bella, if I told you that I couldnt fix these bikes, what would you say?I didnt answer right away, either, and he glanced up to check my expression.I would say thats too bad, but Ill bet we could figure out something else to do. If we got really desperate, we could even do homework.Jacob smiled, and his shoulders relaxed. He sat down succeeding(prenominal) to the bike and picked up a wrench. So you hypothecate youll still come over when Im done, past?Is that what you meant? I shook my head. I guess I am taking advantage of your very underpriced machinelike skills. But as long as you let me come over, Ill be here.Hoping to see Quil again? he teased.You caught me.He chuckled. You really like expending time with me? he asked, marveling.Very, very much. And Ill prove it. I keep to w ork tomorrow, but Wednesday well do something nonmechanical.Like what?I have no idea. We squeeze out go to my place so you wont be tempted to be obsessive. You could bring your schoolworkyou have to be getting behind, because I know I am.Homework exponent be a good idea. He do a face, and I wondered how much he was leaving undone to be with me.Yes, I agreed. Well have to start existence responsible occasionally, or baton and Charlie arent red to be so easygoing most this. I arousede a intercommunicate indicating the two of us as a single entity. He care thathe beamed.Homework once a week? he proposed.Maybe wed bettor go with twice, I suggested, gestateing of the pile Id just been assigned today.He sighed a heavy sigh. Then he reached over his toolbox to a paper grocery sack. He pulled out two cans of soda, cracking one open and pass bying it to me. He opened the second, and held it up ceremoniously.Heres to responsibility, he toasted. Twice a week.And recklessness ever y day in between, I emphasized.He grinned and fey his can to mine.I got home later than Id planned and found Charlie had say a pizza rather than wait for me. He wouldnt let me apologize.I dont mind, he assured me. You deserve a break from all the cooking, anyway.I knew he was just relieved that I was still acting like a normal person, and he was not close to rock the boat.I checked my e-mail before I started on my homework, and there was a long one from Renee. She gushed over every detail Id provided her with, so I sent back another(prenominal) exhaustive description of my day. Everything but the motorcycles. raze happy-go-lucky Renee was likely to be alarmed by that.School Tuesday had its ups and downs. Angela and mike seemed ready to welcome me back with open blazonryto kindly overlook my some months of aberrant behavior. Jess was more resistant. I wondered if she needed a formal pen apology for the Port Angeles incident.Mike was animated and chatty at work. It was like he d rememberingd up the semesters worth of talk, and it was all spilling out now. I found that I was able to smile and laugh with him, though it wasnt as effortless as it was with Jacob. It seemed harmless enough, until quitting time.Mike put the closed sign in the window while I folded my vest and shoved it under the counter.This was fun tonight, Mike said happily.Yeah, I agreed, though Id much rather have spent the afternoon in the garage.Its too bad that you had to leave the movie early last week.I was a little confused by his train of thought. I shrugged. Im just a wimp, I guess.What I mean is, you should go to a better movie, something youd enjoy, he explained.Oh, I muttered, still confused.Like maybe this Friday. With me. We could go see something that isnt scary at all.I bit my lip.I didnt want to screw things up with Mike, not when he was one of the only mass ready to forgive me for being crazy. But this, again, felt far too familiar. Like the last year had never happened. I wished I had Jess as an excuse this time.Like a date? I asked. Honesty was probably the best policy at this point. Get it over with.He urbane the tone of my voice If you want. But it doesnt have to be like that.I dont date, I said slowly, realizing how true that was. That whole world seemed impossibly distant.Just as friends? he suggested. His clear blue eyes were not as eager now. I hoped he really meant that we could be friends anyway.That would be fun. But I rattling have plans already this Friday, so maybe following(a) week?What are you doing? he asked, less casually than I think he wanted to sound.Homework. I have a study session planned with a friend.Oh. Okay. Maybe next week.He walked me to my car, less liberal than before. It reminded me so clearly of my first months in Forks. Id come full circle, and now everything felt like an echoan empty echo, devoid of the interest it used to have.The next night, Charlie didnt seem the smallest bit surprised to find Jacob and me s prawled crossways the living room floor with our books scattered around us, so I guessed that he and Billy were talking behind our backs.Hey, kids, he said, his eyes straying to the kitchen. The smell of the lasagne Id spent the afternoon makingwhile Jacob watched and occasionally sampledwafted down the hall I was being good, trying to atone for all the pizza.Jacob stayed for dinner, and took a plate home for Billy. He grudgingly added another year to my negotiable age for being a good cook.Friday was the garage, and Saturday, after my shift at Newtons, was homework again. Charlie felt strong enough in my sanity to spend the day fishing with Harry. When he got back, we were all donefeeling very sensible and mature about it, tooand watching the Tempter Garage on the Discovery Channel.I probably ought to go. Jacob sighed. Its later than I thought.Okay, fine, I grumbled. Ill claim you home.He laughed at my unwilling expressionit seemed to please him.Tomorrow, back to work, I said as soon as we were safe in the truck. What time do you want me to come up?There was an unexplained excitement in his answering smile. Ill call you first, okay?Sure. I frowned to myself, wonder what was up. His smile widened.I cleaned the house the next morningwaiting for Jacob to call and trying to charge up off the Litest nightmare. The scenery had changed. Last night Id wandered in a wide sea of ferns interspersed with huge hemlock trees. There was nothing else there, and I was lost, move aimless and alone, searching for nothing. I wanted to kick myself for the stupid battleground trip last week. I shoved the dream out of my conscious mind, hoping it would stay locked up somewhere and not escape again.Charlie was outside washing the cruiser, so when the phone rang, I dropped the toilet brush and ran downstairs to answer it. hi? I asked breathlessly.Bella, Jacob said, a strange, formal tone to his voice.Hey, Jake.I believe that we have a date he said, his tone thick with implica tions.It took me a second before I got it. Theyre done? I cant believe it What perfect timing. I needed something to distract me from nightmares and nothingness.Yeah, they run and everything.Jacob, you are absolutely, without a doubt, the most sharp and wonderful person I know. You get ten years for this one. simmer down Im middle-aged now.I laughed. Im on my way upI threw the cleansing supplies under the bathroom counter and grabbed my jacket. Headed to see Jake, Charlie said when I ran past him. It wasnt really a question.Yep, I replied as I jumped in my truck.Ill be at the station later, Charlie called after me.Okay, I yelled back, turning the key.Charlie said something else, but I couldnt hear him clearly over the roar of the engine. It sounded shield of like, Wheres the fire?I parked my truck off to the side of the Blacks house, close to the trees, to venture it easier for us to sneak the bikes out. When I got out, a splash of ruse caught my eyetwo shiny motorcycles, one r ed, one black, were hidden under a spruce, covert from the house. Jacob was prepared.There was a piece of blue ribbon tied in a small bow around each of the handlebars. I was express mirth at that when Jacob ran out of the house.Ready? he asked in a low voice, his eyes sparkling.I glanced over his shoulder, and there was no sign of Billy.Yeah, I said, but I didnt feel quite as excited as before I was trying to imagine myself actually on the motorcycle.Jacob taut the bikes into the bed of the truck with ease, laying them carefully on their sides so they didnt show.Lets go, he said, his voice higher than usual with excitement. I know the perfect spotno one will catch us there.We drove south out of town. The dirty word road wove in and out of the forestsometimes there was nothing but trees, and then(prenominal) there would suddenly be a breathtaking glimpse of the Pacific Ocean, reaching to the horizon, dark canescent under the clouds. We were above the shore, on top of the clif fs that bordered the beach here and the view seemed to stretch on forever.I was driving slowly, so that I could safely discern out across the ocean now and then, as the road wound closer to the sea cliffs. Jacob was talking about finishing the bikes, but his descriptions were getting technical, so I wasnt paying close attention.That was when I noticed four figures standing on a rocky ledge, much too close to the precipice. I couldnt articulate from the distance how old they were, but I assumed they were men. Despite the cool off in the air today, they seemed to be wearing only shorts.As I watched, the tallest person stepped closer to the brink. I slowed automatically, my foot hesitating over the brake pedal.And then he threw himself off the edge.No I shouted, stomping down on the brake.Whats wrong? Jacob shouted back, alarmed.That giving cathe just jumped off the cliff Why didnt they stop him? Weve got to call an ambulance I threw open my door and started to get out, which do no sense at all. The fastest way to a phone was to drive back to Billys. But I couldnt believe what Id just seen. Maybe, subconsciously, I hoped I would see something different without the glass of the windshield in the way.Jacob laughed, and I spun to stare at him wildly. How could he be so calloused, so cold-blooded?Theyre just cliff diving, Bella. Recreation. La Push doesnt have a mall, you know. He was teasing, but there was a strange note of irritation in his voice. bead diving? I repeated, dazed. I stared in disbelief as a second figure stepped to the edge, paused, and then very gracefully leaped into space. He deplorable for what seemed like an eternity to me, finally cutting smoothly into the dark gray waves below.Wow. Its so high. I slid back into my seat, still staring wide-eyed at the two remaining divers. It must be a hundred feet.Well, yeah, most of us jump from demean down, that rock that juts out from the cliff about halfway. He pointed out his window. The place he indicated did seem much more reasonable. Those guys are insane.Probably showing off how tough they are. I mean, really, its halt today. That water cant feel good. He made a disgruntled face, as if the stunt personally offended him. It surprised me a little. I would have thought Jacob was nearly impossible to upset.You jump off the cliff? I hadnt missed the us.Sure, sure. He shrugged and grinned. Its fun. A little scary, kind of a rush.I looked back at the cliffs, where the third figure was pacing the edge. Id never witnessed anything so reckless in all my life. My eyes widened, and I smiled. Jake, you have to take me cliff diving.He frowned back at me, his face disapproving. Bella, you just wanted to call an ambulance for surface-to-air missile, he reminded me. I was surprised that he could come apart who it was from this distance.I want to try, I insisted, start ing to get out of the car again.Jacob grabbed my wrist. not today, all right? Can we at least wait for a warmer day?Oka y, fine, I agreed. With the door open, the glacial breeze was raising goose bumps on my arm. But I want to go soon.Soon. He rolled his eyes. Sometimes youre a little strange, Bella. Do you know that?I sighed. Yes.And were not jumping off the top.I watched, fascinated, as the third son made a running start and flung himself farther into the empty air than the other two. He twisted and cartwheeled through space as he fell, like he was skydiving. He looked absolutely freeunthinking and utterly irresponsible.Fine, I agreed. non the first time, anyway.Now Jacob sighed.Are we going to try out the bikes or not? he demanded.Okay, okay, I said, tearing my eyes away from the last person waiting on the cliff. I put my seat crash back on and closed the door. The engine was still running, roaring as it idled. We started down the road again.So who were those guysthe crazy ones? I wondered.He made a disgusted sound in the back of his throat. The La Push gang.You have a gang? I asked. I realized that I sounded impressed.He laughed once at my reaction. Not like that. I swear, theyre like hall monitors gone bad. They dont start fights, they keep the peace. He snorted. There was this guy from up somewhere by the Makah rez, big guy too, scary-looking. Well, word got around that he was selling meth to kids, and surface-to-air missile Uley and his disciples ran him off our land. Theyre all about our land, and tribe pride its getting ridiculous. The worst part is that the council takes them seriously. Embry said that the council actually meets with Sam. He shook his head, face full of resentment. Embry also heard from Leah Clearwater that they call themselves protectors or something like that.Jacobs hands were clenched into fists, as if hed like to hit something. Id never seen this side of him.I was surprised to hear Sam Uleys name. I didnt want it to bring back the images from my nightmare, so I made a quick observation to distract myself. You dont like them very much.Does it sh ow? he asked sarcastically.Well It doesnt sound like theyre doing anything bad. I tried to soothe him, to befuddle him cheerful again. Just sort of annoyingly goody-two-shoes for a gang.Yeah. Annoying is a good word. Theyre always showing offlike the cliff thing. They act like like, I dont know. Like tough guys. I was hanging out at the store with Embry and Quil once, last semester, and Sam came by with his followers, Jared and Paul. Quil said something, you know how hes got a big mouth, and it pissed Paul off. His eyes got all dark, and he sort of smiledno, he showed his teeth but he didnt smileand it was like he was so mad he was shaking or something. But Sam put his hand against Pauls chest and shook his head. Paul looked at him for a minute and calmed down. Honestly, it was like Sam was holding him backlike Paul was going to tear us up if Sam didnt stop him. He groaned. Like a bad western. You know, Sams a pretty big guy, hes twenty. But Pauls just sixteen, too, shorter than me and not as hoarse as Quil. I think any one of us could take him.Tough guys, I agreed. I could see it in my head as he described it, and it reminded me of something a trio of tall, dark men standing very still and close together in my fathers living room. The sketch was sideways, because my head was lying against the couch while Dr. Gerandy and Charlie leaned over me Had that been Sams gang?I spoke quickly again to divert myself from the bleak memories. Isnt Sam a little too old for this kind of thing?Yeah. He was conjectural to go to college, but he stayed. And no one gave him any induce about it, either. The whole council pitched a fit when my sister turned down a partial scholarship and got married. But, oh no, Sam Uley can do no wrong.His face was set in unfamiliar lines of outrageoutrage and something else I didnt mark at first.It all sounds really annoying and strange. But I dont get why youre taking it so personally. I peeked over at his face, hoping I hadnt offended him. He was suddenly calm, staring out the side window.You just missed the turn, he said in an even voice.I put to death a very wide U-turn, nearly hitting a tree as my circle ran the truck halfway off the road.Thanks for the heads-up, I muttered as I started up the side road.Sorry, I wasnt paying attention.It was dim for a brief minute.You can stop anywhere along here, he said softly.I pulled over and cut the engine. My ears rang in the silence that followed. We both got out, and Jacob headed around to the back to get the bikes. I tried to read his expression. Something more was bothering him. Id hit a nerve.He smiled halfheartedly as he pushed the red bike to my side. Happy late birthday. Are you ready forthis?I think so. The bike suddenly looked intimidating, frightening, as I realized I would soon be astride it.Well take it slow, he promised. I gingerly leaned the motorcycle against the trucks archetype while he went to get his.JakeI hesitated as he came back around the truck.Yea h?Whats really bothering you? About the Sam thing, I mean? Is there something else? I watched his face. He grimaced, but he didnt seem angry. He looked at the dirt and kicked his shoe against the front tire of his bike again and again, like he was keeping time.He sighed. Its just the way they diplomacy me. It creeps me out. The words started to rush out now. You know, the council is supposed to be made up of equals, but if there was a leader, it would be my dad. Ive never been able to figure out why people treat him the way they do. Why his opinion counts the most. Its got something to do with his father and his fathers father. My great-grandpa, Ephraim Black, was sort of the last chief we had, and they still listen to Billy, maybe because of that.But Im just like everyone else. Nobody treats me limited until now.That caught me off guard. Sam treats you special?Yeah, he agreed, looking up at me with troubled eyes. He looks at me like hes waiting for something like Im going to join his stupid gang someday. He pays more attention to me than any of the other guys. I hate it.You dont have to join anything. My voice was angry. This was really upsetting Jacob, and that infuriated me. Who did these protectors think they were?Yeah. His foot kept up its speech rhythm against the tire.What? I could tell there was more.He frowned, his eyebrows pulling up in a way that looked sad and worried rather than angry. Its Embry. Hes been avoiding me lately.The thoughts didnt seem connected, but I wondered if I was to blame for the problems with his friend. Youve been hanging out with me a lot, I reminded him, feeling selfish. Id been monopolizing him.No, thats not it. Its not just meits Quil, too, and everyone. Embry missed a week of school, but he was never home when we tried to see him. And when he came back, he looked he looked freaked out. Terrified. Quil and I both tried to get him to tell us what was wrong, but he wouldnt talk to either one of us.I stared at Jacob, bitin g my lip anxiouslyhe was really frightened. But he didnt look at me. He watched his own foot kicking the rubber as if it belonged to someone else. The tempo increased.Then this week, out of nowhere, Embrys hanging out with Sam and the rest of them. He was out on the cliffs today. His voice was low and tense.He finally looked at me. Bella, they bugged him even more than they bother me. He didnt want anything to do with them. And now Embrys following Sam around like hes joined a cult.And thats the way it was with Paul. Just exactly the same. He wasnt friends with Sam at all. Then he stopped coming to school for a few weeks, and, when he came back, suddenly Sam owned him. I dont know what it means. I cant figure it out, and I feel like I have to, because Embrys my friend and Sams looking at me funny . . and He trailed off.Have you talked to Billy about this? I asked. His horror was spreading to me. I had chills running on the back of my neck.Now there was anger on his face. Yes, he sno rted. That was helpful.What did he say?Jacobs expression was sarcastic, and when he spoke, his voice mocked the deep tones of his fathers voice. Its nothing you need to worry about now, Jacob. In a few years, if you dont well, Ill explain later. And then his voice was his own. What am I supposed to get from that? Is he trying to say its some stupid puberty, coming-of-age thing? This is something else. Something wrong.He was biting his lower lip and clenching his hands. He looked like he was about to cry.I threw my arms around him instinctively, wrapping them around his waist and pressing my face against his chest. He was so big, I felt like I was a minor hugging a grown-up.Oh, Jake, itll be okay I promised. If it gets worse you can come live with me and Charlie. Dont be scared, well think of somethingHe was frozen for a second, and then his long arms wrapped hesitantly around me. Thanks, Bella. His voice was huskier than usual.We stood like that for a moment, and it didnt upset me in fact, I felt soothe by the contact. This didnt feel anything like the last time someone had embraced me this way. This was friendship. And Jacob was very warm.It was strange for me, being this closeemotionally rather than physically, though the physical was strange for me, tooto another human being. It wasnt my usual style. I didnt normally relate to people so easily, on such a basic level.Not human beings.If this is how youre going to react, Ill freak out more often. Jacobs voice was light, normal again, and his laughter rumbled against my ear. His fingers touched my hair, soft and tentative.Well, it was friendship for me.I pulled away quickly, laughing with him, but immovable to put things back in perspective at once.Its hard to believe Im two years older than you, I said, emphasizing the word older. You make me feel like a dwarf. Standing this close to him, I really had to crane my neck to see his face.Youre forgetting Im in my forties, of course.Oh, thats right.He patted my head. Youre like a little doll, he teased. A porcelain doll.I rolled my eyes, taking another step away. Lets not start with the albino cracks.Seriously, Bella, are you sure youre not? He stretched his russet arm out next to mine. The difference wasnt flattering. Ive never seen anyone paler than you well, shut for He broke off, and I looked away, trying to not understand what he had been about to say.So are we going to ride or what?Lets do it, I agreed, more enthusiastic than I would have been half a minute ago. His unfinished sentence reminded me of why I was here.